Saturday, December 27, 2008

Moments.


Ever thought of what missing your moment would mean?
Let’s say there is this couple who has been dating for quite some time now; three, maybe for years. The guy finally asks her to marry him, she naturally says “yes” and they start planning the wedding and everything. But suddenly BANG! This other guy comes into her life and everything changes. It all starts out pretty nasty. She doesn’t even like him. But than after all the “action” her feelings change. She doesn’t know what to do, she is lost. She has a fiancĂ©, but she starts having second thoughts about the “happily ever after” part. And than at the end she gets her fairy tale ending with the guy she bumped into and had known for 3 weeks, saying goodbye to the person she got engaged to previously and who had been by her side for years now.
Yeah, all so sweet and lovely. But what about the other guy, the “fiancĂ©” guy? Had he proposed sooner, the two of them had lived happily ever after? So did they miss their moment?

Do we ever get back that moment? I mean, yeah, of course, you can never get back that moment, but do we ever get another moment? Or do we just move on and try to find new moments? Is it worth fighting for it or should we just leave it and give up? When do we know what is the right version? Do we ever?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Perfect day


…I woke up to my mom’s noise-making at around 10 o’clock today. She was standing next to my bed telling me how it would really be time for me to wake up and that she cannot stand how relaxed I can be even though the house is practically a mess.
These are our usual Christmas preparations at home. Of course everything is done in time, and of course I take my share in the work (I clean, I bake, I shop etc.). But in spite of all this, my mom is stressed out before every single Christmas, so I guess I could say I’m already used to it!
So anyway… I got up, cleaned my room, done some of the packing of the presents and than at around 3 I went to do some last minute shopping, because I had to meet a friend of mine at 4.
I usually go by foot and I don’t take the bus too often. It is funny actually, because I think that since I came home from America in July I only traveled by bus about 10-15 times…
So I went and bought a few things I already homed in on and afterwards I went to meet up with my friend. We were about to go to one of our common friend’s surprise birthday party and we wanted to get her a scarf as our present, because we new she is crazy about scarves. So anyway, long story short: it was awesome to meet up with a few of my old high school friends…I felt like MYSELF again. I know it is strange to say something like this, because this would assume, that I am not the person I used to be anymore. However, that is definitely not the case.
The truth is that many things happen throughout a year, especially if that year is spent in another country; what’s more, on another continent. I changed a lot; that year in America made me grow as a person, I think. That whole experience really made a difference in my life. A positive one! Still tonight was a total flashback. And it made me happy…
When we said goodbye and went out of the house there was this beautiful surprise waiting for us: it was snowing!!! I mean, yeah, in Romania it snows a lot, it is not like we live in Hawaii. But surprisingly in my city there have been rare hot days the past few weeks. Even today (two days before Christmas) the sun was beautifully shining and there were some 5-6 degrees. Everyone was really praying for snow and than there it was…

As I was walking home I finally felt for the first time in my life, I think, that this is where I belong! I did not feel the urge to be somewhere else as I always do. It was great. Moreover, I was happy! And is there something else more important than that? I just could not stop smiling and I kept on looking up to the sky to witness the little snowflakes falling down from heaven. And I smiled, smiled…smiled.

I really don’t think that there is anything more beautiful that a person smiling for real…You can wear tons of makeup and you can be dressed in Gucci from head to toe; if your soul is empty what is it really worth? Smiling is the sing of contentment, the sing of approval, the sing of people’s ultimate goal: happiness.

I always tell this my best friend: a guy can have the most beautiful eyes in the whole wide world, but only when he opens his mouth you realize that his canine tooth is missing and the one next to that is as black as hell; plus when he starts laughing this terrible rumbling comes out. That is what you do NOT want to look at, and hear for the rest of your life!!! So my point is, I think it is really important how a guy smiles/laughs. It really suggests a lot about his personality, about who he really is, what things he likes and what he finds joy in… So "the smile" is deffinitely the number one on my list...:)

Deviating a little bit from this, I realized what I would love to do this Christmas (or this winter, anyway).
Everybody is talking about dancing in the rain with someone special…Well, I would like to dance in the snow with no music at all. Just letting the snowflakes fondle our cheeks…Yes, that is what I would like to have this winter…I’ll just have to deal with some minor details: I’ll have to find someone special and I’ll have to find that person when it is snowing…Easy to do in no time, right? =))

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dreams...


…which can make your day and make you cry in the same time. Have you ever had that?

(This is again a post that is not “instant”…it all happened the other week, but I just can’t let it on a simple sheet of paper)

I woke up a minute ago, but I cannot start my day without putting the following on paper, because I definitely don’t want to forget it!
My grandfather went to heaven almost three months ago. He left us here to take care of each other and he went to live with the angels for a change. I might not have put it the right way…It kind of sounds like I’m angry with him for leaving us, but that is definitely not the case. I know that we must all go at a certain time and I guess I’m all right with that thought (or at least theoretically), but is there a right time to leave? I don’t think so…
Last night was the first night -since he went away-, that I dreamed with him. It was strange because in my dream I knew that the fact that he was standing right in front of me was absurd. It could not be real, and I was aware of that. So I reached out to try and touch him, to see whether my hands would go right through his body or not.
My hands were stopped by a solid flash and did not go through as it would have happened in the case of a spirit, ghost or vision. So, although on one hand I knew that he could not be real, still on the other hand an enormous amount of happiness stroke me. It was really intense… I hugged him with all my power! We stood like that for a few seconds, than I looked at him, at his face again, and I burst out in tears… So he hugged me really tight.
Every day I feel like he is still with me. It is almost as if I cannot let him go…But the truth is letting go is not necessarily trying to erase him from the surface. Sometimes it is all right to have someone not only in our hearts but sometimes even in our thoughts too…
It was so amazing…My dream! He looked so nice…and well…and healthy. It was unbelievable. And what was really weird was, that I knew it could not be HIM. But when we hugged I somehow forgot all about the “reality or imagination” issue. I excluded everything else and I just enjoyed the rare opportunity (possibly the only one I ever got).
He had never appeared in my dreams before. My mother however, dreamed with him three or four times already…My grandma never…
I told my mom that he went to see her, because probably he thought she was the most in need of that… So that leaves me wondering…why did he come to me this time?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Signs...


I wrote this a couple of days ago, I somehow forgot to post it on my blog, so here it is now...


God’s ways are unpredictable, the Bible says. And I do believe that there is someone, who has control of everything. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, which is perfectly justified, even though we might not realize that at first.
So needless to say, I also believe in signs…When I’m in the deepest s**t I always find the answers around me, no matter how small the problem is.

Waiting is one of the things I hate to do, and am not good at doing it. Well of course it also depends on the situation, but usually this is the case… So as I’m sitting here a little bit angry but sad in the same time, because something I’d like to happen is not happening – and I know I could do something about it, but there is a high possibility that it would ruin everything— I hear a song… I like The Beatles a lot, and I saw a musical about six months ago which has as its soundtrack many of this band’s greatest songs. I listen to this “new version” A LOT!

Let it be is a very famous song now, isn’t it? So there is this lovely song which is sooooo popular that we don’t even really pay attention to the lyrics anymore as we sing it. But as I started singing it along with the M. player I suddenly realized what I was humming: “Let it be, let it be, let it be, THERE WILL BE AN ANSWER, let it be…; I wake up to the sound of music.”

I know it might sound silly that something as little as this, and probably meaningless to many of you can actually calm me down and bring me down to Earth again, but it can. I get signs all the time. I think we all do. It is just that we have to be careful to identify them in the right time. Answers are right beside us!
I’m not saying I won’t be anxious anymore about this issue I have, it is just that I know that the right thing is to wait, and not do what I was about to do, because that would have been a mistake. And another sign (another answer that is) will come at the right moment…

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A few thoughts about Viktor E. Frankl's novel: Man's search for meaning


I have wanted to talk about a book I’ve been reading lately. I’m going slowly with it, because I contemplate a lot on it so sometimes I read a part twice and than just sit and think about it, letting myself carried away by my own thoughts. (I usually don’t do this, but since this is a very moving book due to the circumstances if the action, and in the same time it has a deep philosophical, psychical analysis too, I just can’t help spending time on digesting it.)
It is set in concentration camps during the second WW. But my intention is not to talk about the plot, but some of the ideas that the author, -- who by the way is one of those few who managed to survive over the tough times of being a Jewish prisoner during the war – discusses in his novel. It is also essential to know that he is a psychiatrist, so he is not a total stranger of the mysteries of analyzing human thinking and behavior.

It was freezing outside, snow covering everything. Many of the prisoners didn’t even have shoes to put on, the rest of them had shoes all right, but those were usually so worn out that they looked nothing like shoes, rather some shreds of leather fastened to one’s feet with a piece of wire.
The prisoners were woken up very early at peep of dawn and they had to march to their work site which was usually miles away. They could hardly breathe in the paralyzing cold which pierced into their bones. However, it could not foray into their souls and minds, and despoil them from the ultimate comfort of their being: the reason for their existence, their only hope… Not knowing where they step, blinded by a combination of cold versus “visions”, dreams, and mental movies about their lives prior to their imprisonment, they had one thing in their minds: their loved ones.
It is so amazing that when everything is taken away from a person, - many times even the right or obligation to actually be human – there is nothing left besides the memory of the people who were once dear to you… You don’t care about material things, entertainment, social life, social status, goods, food or water, because there is nothing left from all these. NOTHING! Everything that you once took for granted is inexistent. Even the thought, that you had all these, no matter what minimal amount you had, is diminished.
Not only are your material goods taken away from you, but also your dignity and your feelings are patronized to a certain point. And through all these the one thing that remains with you is caring about your loved ones, wondering where they might be, the hope that they are still alive and what's more, one still has the daring faith that they will wait for him no matter on which side (this or the other one). Love is the ultimate and perpetual heritage one can posses. Love is something that no one could ever take away from us. People can treat you as slaves, as animals or even make you nourish feelings you never though that someone could provoke out of you. Still, besides all these negative aspects, you will never lose the love you cherished even years prior to everything bad that happened to you during a critical downfall.

The next thought from this book that I would like to share is how important it is to give our lives a meaning. This book –as the title very well shows – has this as its primary purpose.
It is essential to find a meaning for being, purpose to keep on going, or maybe if there is nothing left worth living for, then we should try to look for a meaning of our past.
The writer quotes a German poet to illustrate the later idea. “Was Du erlebst, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben. (What you experienced, no power on earth can take from you.)
Because having been is also a kind of being. Isn’t it? What we once experienced, but also what we once done, whatever great ideas we nurtured and also all we have suffered, all of this is NOT lost, although it is in the past, we have once brought into being!!!

During one of my psy classes in college the professor asked us to think about a simple question for a moment. And the question was: ‘Can you identify the meaning of your life in this very moment?’ I think this is a good question everyone should ask himself. Is there? I mean seriously, are we confident about the answer to this question? If you are, then you are surely one of a kind. Well, yes, I might have some shreds of answers here and there myself, but, although I am not proud to say it I will do it anyway: I do not have a strong answer.

Imagine that people once found meaning in concentration camps in a practically hopeless situation, and in today’s relatively balanced world we are often incapable of doing that. You know, I think this happens a lot because we place the gage and the limit too high…

I watched the movie “Sex and the City” the other night (I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea what got into me) and the basic idea of the movie is: finding love. Four girls once went to New York City to find love (note: love NOT marriage!) So their whole “girly lives” practically revolved around this search for something they could not find elsewhere: Love, and thus happiness.

Now that I come to think about it, I think I know what every girl’s life is about. Money!!! :) Just kidding…I mean think about it. Yes, we go to school, search for a great job, build a career, but there is always something missing from the puzzle. You can be at the world’s most expensive cruise and drink champagne all day long, swim in your lovely 5 grant Gucci swim suit, play with dolphins in the sea, and who knows what else and I can assure you as a 20 year old girl that I am, that you will find that there is something missing. Well…maybe you will only see it after a while, not right away, but still at one point you realize that there is something essential missing from your life.
On the other hand, if you find (I wish you will…Gosh, I wish I will someday) that person who is right for you and as you love him, he will also love you in return, no strings attached, you just know that he is the one, then there is no cruise (or dolphin :)) in the world that could make you transpose that stage/position.

I dare you to ask yourself : What is the meaning of YOUR life?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Photograph


OMG I wish I could do portraits!!! There are some things I would really just like to keep forever, such as the picture of someone’s face, their stunning eyes, their beautiful smiles, their laughter, everything about them… I would cherish forever. But I often feel I can’t…
I saw this in some movie at one point: “there was this girl, who liked to travel a lot, and there was something beautiful and unique in every occasion, event and every single place she visited. She said that she doesn’t like cameras because they are fake. They will NEVER reflect how that place, person or thing looked like at that particular second, right when she saw (or felt) it and considered it to be beautiful…So she just looked at something/someone and than she took a deep breath, than closed her eyes for a second. Thus she was able to cherish that moment forever.”

A very dear friend of mine once said that when we meet someone for the first time we are able to tell in the very first 30 seconds whether we could fall in love with that person or not…The first 30 seconds are essential to see if that person you just met could be your potential soul mate, or not…

I think that there are times when we actually want things to match up like the pearls on a beautiful pearl necklace. Everything seems to perfectly cling together. So that it hides the real problem. Every single sign is showing that there it is (!) and that everything is obvious, except for the clip that holds the two parts of the chain link.
There is a Hungarian proverb which expresses what I just said in rawer manner: Everything is all right with him; besides the fact that his neck is bleeding…

I guess now would be the best time to say: “…so my point is…” The only problem with this is that I am not sure I actually have a point here...so there it is...you find a point for my silly rambling...:o)

Friday, November 14, 2008

My first blog entry


Lately I have been thinking a lot about creating a blog, and write about things I like, or maybe just for the sake of having a blog myself, who knows the real reason? But anyway, the important thing is, that sometimes I really feel like getting things out of my system through drawing, baking, scrapbooking, card making, thinking or writing, thus a blog can be a very useful tool...

So I don't know, I just like introductions I guess...that is why I made this first entry the way I did! :)

But just to get an idea of things I like I thought about attaching a picture I drew a while ago, nothing biggie, just a simple drawing...

So I should come up with a better entry next time, I promise...:)