Saturday, October 16, 2010
Tiny summer mirracles ~1~
Are you happy? Can you say that you wake up with a smile on your face being grateful for being able to breathe? What is it that is stopping you from doing that if you are brave enough to admit that most of the time you are so occupied with everything else that you forget to live?
I hated my life, hated myself for not being able to surrender to the world and let things happen. Be here and now. And through all this hatred I kept sinking lower and lower, being too proud to shout out for help, even being too proud to whisper for help. And even in this state I held my head up high saying "No problem, I'll handle it, I'll fix it." But I got to the point where I felt pain, even physical pain in this ignorance. And then I burst out crying and said "God, help me! It hurts so much, I can't take it anymore. Don't give up on me please!"
I used to go to church because that was the right thing to do and that is how a proper family is like, they go together to church. And I survived the hour because I love to sing the songs. But the rest I spent "somewhere else" thinking about some new project to do or funky recipe to bake. You have no idea how creative I could be...
Last Sunday I felt drawn to church. Because my heart was telling me to go. I cried through it. Not because I was so sad, but because I realized that all this time I've been listening not being able to hear...
We are unhappy about so many things, feeling miserable, knowing that we should change something. But then we think "Wait, what if I end up being in bigger trouble", and we settle for unhappiness. But what if, we'd change and do what our heart tells us to do and start over? It starts with being excited about the new. It follows by surrendering ourselves to it, not forcing what we desperately want, just letting go. And let ourselves be carried away in this state. Some might call this uncertainty. I now call it abandonment in the secret of life, that we cannot control so why fight it? It does not mean that you just go with the flow. It is so much more than that. It is following someone who knows better, knowing that he loves us how we are, shallow and narrow minded with tons of fears and complexes, but he waits patiently and comes to the rescue, but does not force himself upon us. He comes when we ask for him and waits patiently until we realize that he is the way.
Many things happened this summer. I lost someone very dear to me. And then I had to choose between returning to Romania and doing the "right thing", or staying and doing what my heart was telling me against all rationality. This was the first right step, seeing it from a distance now. I felt like staying would give something grand to my life... and I was sure I'd know the purpose of staying by the end of the three moths.
But then good old me came back and decided in the secrecy of her heart that this purpose must be love, I mean, what else could it be. The princess will find her prince, and they will live happily ever after, Yay! But God is not so transparent and obvious. I became so obsessed with this thought that I could not even see or think properly anymore...And then came sufferance and finally disappointment in my imaginary world.
I did not want to return to Romania, because I was so unhappy here. No one new this. Because my life was perfect, this was the image I liked to portray. It was nice and uplifting in theory. But it never really offered me any satisfaction. I was baring through my studies for my parents, it has been so uninteresting for me that it made me sick, but I continued telling myself "Be patient Erika, you'll do what you like after." Well I don't want to do what I like in a year. I don't want to postpone following my heat. It is here and now that I'll dare to live.
Yesterday someone asked my father in my presence whether he thought about taking me to some sort of doctor. I laughed my heart out at that moment. But it is in fact so very sad. Do we have to be insane to be able to be happy nowadays? Is that all we have left? If we stop following the crowd and do things because everyone else is also doing them and we actually start responding to our own hearts and maybe even dare be happy at the peek of it, we are immediately labeled CRAZY?
But you know what, I love it! And enjoy every moment of my insanity because I found the way to my heart this summer. The way of God!