Thursday, December 23, 2010

For the thousandth time...


NO!!!
I have had a very exhausting week despite the jolly season. Exhausting in the sense that I feel worn out from the inside and an awful sadness took me as prisoner not wanting to let me walk freely. I mean it is really flattering and wonderful that so many people I met this summer are asking about whether I am going to Rotterdam for the Taize winter meeting or not, but it is very painful for me in itself that I am not going , let alone repeat it out loud one thousand times that I won't be able to make it...
Yesterday the glass got full to the brim so I packed my gym bag and went jogging half and hour then cycled 45 minutes. In the break between those two I had a very random conversations with a "muscle-brain" guy. Usually I want nothing to do with this type, but suddenly I realized that I might be saying more than I normally would and I didn't mind...then I thought, hmmm, "it is a bit like in Taize talking to people I normally never would and enjoying it to the maximum"... Yet in this case it would be awfully a lot to state that I was enjoying it, but I sure did surprise myself.
Then earlier today I saw a documentary with fr. Roger on T.V. which left me with very strong but mixed feelings, and watery eyes. Yet it felt so good to listen to him talking about uncertainty and peace.
And while yesterday I kept repeating a song by Norah Jones -there is a line in which she sings "I wish I had a crystal ball, to show me if it's worth it all"-, today I just wish my heart could slow down and my mind could calm down and rest for a while.
I only wish for peace and silence...

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