Thursday, March 23, 2017

gratitude list #1

Revisiting the stories of my childhood.
True friendship.
Holding on to love.
Dogsaversary (that word should exist!).
Favorite soundtracks (on top of my list).
Just a little change at a time.
Unknown children's honest smiles in their baby carriages.
The sunrise.
Amazing parents.
The courage to say "I'm sorry".
Repetitive rhythms of the urban life.
Refuge to the serenity of rural existence.
The flexibility of my body.
Cruelty-free eating habits.
Jumping in spring puddles.
Spiritual guidance.
Seeing a new born lamb.
My rose quartz palm stone.
Sweetest memories.
The ability to remember.
Midnight thoughts.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


So here we are again, after yet another year giving grace for existence. We might be a couple kilos heavier :)), but just as happy as the year before, celebrating life in all its skins and layers.
Her rough start turned into something truly wonderful and I am thankful for having her near.

Monday, March 20, 2017

a new cycle

I knew it then, but I see it clearer now than ever, that 2016 was about understanding my life, my heart, my world and my soul more deeply. It was about growth. Growth that was faster and more painful than the pain of growing bones during childhood, more than the pain of loss, more than the hurt of the ego. And at the end of the year when I determined MY word for the year, I chose "butterfly".

A few months into the new year, I smile at the accuracy of that word, at the perfection of each piece of the puzzle, at the beauty of my unfolding story... 2017 is about commencement. It is about trusting the perfection of the unknown. It is about miracles in the making. A fresh start.

The dreams I see... The scents I am able to smell.. Even though there is no rational explanation for them... I can remember the last time this happened so clearly. It was six years ago, and I was jogging in a field of canola in the north east part of the U.K. Thought seized and feeling took its place. Feeling... most vulnerable. Feeling and acting before thinking is the most beautiful and most honest experience of the soul.

Fast forward to 2017.
It was precisely on the 8th of March. On international women's day.
I cried. And my heart longed to meet itself. To truly look into its inner the mirror and see its reflection for what it truly is. Have you ever missed yourself? Have you ever felt a deep longing to become who you truly are? Who you know yourself to be? Or who you never thought you were? And yet, you are...

This year is pivotal. I don't know what it holds. All I can feel with every fiber of my being is that it is entirely different. It is decisive. Like the tuning-fork. It sets the tone for the coming years. And even though I have never sang this song before, I seem to know the melody deep within. The notes... the notes will reveal themselves. In perfect time. I trust my soul's spontaneity, its receptivity and the tiny voice within.

Do you?

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

two questions

Over the years I have been working on becoming more of a morning person, and for the most part I love it a lot, but when it comes to getting something done I am most effective from 7pm to midnight. It is just how I am wired, I suppose. If for some reason I need to finish something important before noon I transform into my schoolgirl self having to deal with her math homework. Back when that dreadful thing was a must, I would drive my mother out of her mind, while I desperately fought to find even the most remote of activities (because clearing out the closet was exceptionally important), just so that I would postpone (and prolong, I might add) the torture of numbers.

I was working late the other night on an urgent project.
Focused and exceptionally productive.
I usually like to have monotone background noise, which makes for a nice rhythm to paint to and helps me stay present. Youtube is convenient and I usually just set some podcasts on shuffle.
At one point I became aware of the subject, like I was woken up from a repetitive dream all of a sudden. It was a ted talk of a young woman, called Kalina Silverman, who had filmed people while they were answering some of her questions. I definitely recommend it.

Whenever I find myself at crossroads and don't know the way forward, I do nothing. Well, I do something, but it does not require any action at all. I learned to grant myself time and patience. Patience.
It has not come naturally when I was younger (holler if that sounds familiar!) , but the more life I get to live, the more I value my time, and so I see the importance of taking a conscious step back from the "line of fire" and breathe. Surrender...
I've been feeling the urge to de-clutter and clean. Spring clean. Deep clean. Simplify.
Not so much my outer environment, more so my inner world.
In times when I manage to thoroughly line up with a decision, however I proceed it becomes a success. But the challenging part is arriving at that firm, unshakable decision. That is truly the tough part.

Kalina asks two exceptional questions in her project to open up truly meaningful conversations.
What do you want to do before you die? and What if you found out you would die tomorrow?

I had put down the paint brush.
I closed my eyes. And I could feel silent tears sqeeze down my cheeks. Not sad tears. Grateful tears. Because at that very moment in time, no silence would have been as powerful as that second question. And while the answer to that question might not constitute the building blocks of a decision concretely, it sure points out a powerful direction in my life.

Only a handful of things matter in the end.
I have two I'd like to do on my last day here.
What about you? What would you do, if you found out that you were about to die and you had one, ONE last day?